so he called me last night.
i really thought he wouldn't. at least not yet.
but i don't know what it meant.
did he miss me? did he feel guilty? did he just return my calls?
i mean he wasnt' answering at night - so maybe he wasn't home.
he went to the lab without emailing.
then to see his other girl.
i'm so paranoid huh.
but he did call. and he wants me to come.
but should i see him. or will it fall apart in my hands. like everything else.
what if i get to the point where i am also closed to this relationship, too scared to breathe.
then who will carry it on.
it will just disiintigrate.
but for now i have to be patient and hope it's just the distance.
because i do still care, more than i want to, more than i should.
and i keep feeling like if i wait, he'll come back and it will just fall into place.
i don't know what he wants and how to go about it for him
i know what i want, at least in a general sense.
i want him to open up. i want us to see what we are and how we are and how we want to be
and i want us to make eachother happy
and i think that is possible.
i used to think i had to change myself to be what someone else wanted. then he came and changed that.
so i could be me. just with less worries.
but now i want to change again.
that i dont' like.

should i go to scotland? i want to. i always have wanted to. i even considered studyabroad there when i wasn't so attached to the idea of spending the last year (and a half oops) and usc with my good friends.
back when i was a LaaahOooooSaaaahERrrrr. yeah. loser.
that's me.
but i dont' feel like one so much. usually.
right now is an exception
anyways where was i.
i need to go SOMEWHERE for break don't i? and i HAVE the tickets already. i could just go to london and stay there for a while. maybe get up to liverpool somehow. see the hometown of the beatles. call it homework and maybe get some extra credit.
or -
i show up at mike's house and see if he let's me in.
but then would i be expecting too much?
what if he has another girl? someone who made him happier
or he's just too busy for me.
what if he welcomes me with open arms.
tells me he loves me.
let's me back into his life and into his bed, where we spend the whole first day cuddling and loving.
then what happens when i leave. will he just want to end it again? because he doesn't feel the desire to email or call?
he says he misses me, does he mean it?
does he just really not want to talk to me?
maybe i bring him down
i am awful happy when he calls, even if i am sad that he won't come back.
maybe if it were later. but i thought we could have something special. together.
and he left
as if he didn't care.
maybe he is guilty that he left
not that he isn't happy
but because he knows i was sad
then i would feel better knowing he felt bad and i would try to make him feel less guilty
then we could both be happy
but i don't know what he needs
and i feel like he doesnt' care what i need
if he did he wouldn't have given up.
we could have a compromise
a deal worked out
both happy
now i am not happy
maybe he is. he is rid of me.
but i am not rid of him, he haunts me.
and here i am still typing about him.
what a loser.
loser.

he really was a good boyfriend. maybe the best. maybe just cuz of how he made me feel. like i was special. beautiful even. i even felt comfortable getting naked around him. i have never felt that way around ANYONE. like i was meant to look the way i do. we were beautiful together, the way it should be.
he made me want to sing. i still do sing. he gave me confidence. i FELT like i could sing even though my voice is still the same. and there are no agents pounding on my door
but i felt like a star.
like somebody.
his somebody.
i wasn't afraid of anything when i was with him. in his arms.
i wasnt' even afraid of love.
maybe when he was gone, i let doubts shadow my mind. but i couldn't help wondering.
why was he gone
what did i do?
so maybe i did this to myself.
but if i did i should be able to undo it.
right?

why is all this bad stuff happening to me right now?
what did i do.
i want a partner. he'd always stand by my side during times like this.
when someone tells me they hate me, my partner will stand up for me. spit in their face.
when i am told i might have cancer, he'll be right there to hold my hand.
when my job pushes me to the edge, he'll teach me how to fly
and when all i need is love that's all he'll give me
he wouldn't turn his back on me like this.
because i will love him when it is his turn to fall.
what is so wrong with me that makes everyone leave?
my dad stood me up again yesterday. yesterday was a good day relatively. shane and i went to cadillac cafe and i had yummy soup and we shared a vat of chocolate fondue. they serve it w/ fried plantains, almond coffeecake, and strawberries. mmm. it was a really nice day and the dark chocolate picked us up. so did the laura palmers. then we went shopping. i got some cute clothes. i feel more feminine. went to starbucks later with jordan, then tapx with shane and chano's late night. i didn't really need chano's but mike never called.
i guess he's really over me.
i thought maybe he'd call and say he can't live without me and he was stupid and i was stupid and it would work and we should just wait.
but no call.
then i turned off the lights to go in my room
and i couldnt' stop crying.
i miss him and knowing that he isn't coming back to me is the saddest thing right now.
so i sat in the dark in my frontroom.
crying. on the floor
alone.
i'm still crying
i've been crying for three days now.
my eyes are all purple and puffy. i look disgusting i'm sure.
rachel emailed me. said she was sorry and was hoping i would have gotten to be happy with mike for longer.
she knew how happy i was too. it wasn't just in my head.
i was just oozing with happiness.
not anymore. i am sort of sedate now.
nothing really matters. nothing gets me too happy or too angry or too sad.
i don't really feel anything. just empty.
and alone.
and helpless.
help me.
if i lived on the fourth floor i'd jump. but from the 2nd it's just going to break a few bones.

load up on guns and bring your friends
it's fun to lose and to pretend
she's overboard
and self assured
oh no i know a dirty word
hello
i'm worst at what i do best
and for this guilt i feel blessed
our little group has always been
and always will be
until the end
hello
with the lights out
it's less dangerous
here we are now
entertain us
i feel stupid
and contagious
here we are now
entertain us
yes
a mullatto
an albino
a mosquito
my libido

a denial

-nirvana-smells like teen spirit-
tori does a beautiful kurt tribute, where you can actually understand the words, and i feel like it brings a different light to the words and meaning. when i get it on mp3 i'll link it.

you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it

maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
twist your head around
it's all around you
all is full of love
all around you

you just ain't receiving
your phone is off the hook
your doors are shut

-bjork-all is full of love-

we live on a mountain
right at the top
this beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning i walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like car parts, bottles, and cuttlery
whatever i find lying around
it's become a habit
a way to start the day
i go through all his before you wake up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you
it's early morning
no one is awake
i'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off
i listen to the sounds they make on their way down
i follow with my eyes til they crash
i imagine what my body would sound like
slammin' against those rocks
and when i land
will my eyes
be closed
or open

safe up here

-bjork-hyperballad-

somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
there's a land that i heard of once in a lullabye
somewhere over the rainbow
skies are blue
and the dreams that you dare to dream
really do come true
one day i'll wish upon a star
and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where troubles melt like lemon drops
way above the chimney tops
that's where you'll find me
somewhere over the rainbow
bluebirds fly
birds fly over the rainbow
why
why can't i

Sometimes
i don’t know where to look for
Inner peace
And i don’t know what i’d do
If i found it
But you know that i will always
Look again
Look to you and hope you love me
inside

But when the rain comes through the cracks in the ceiling i know peace is not
Inside

Love to love
Sometimes i just want to be
Lost in love
I don’t know where to hide from
My best friend
I can’t do it i can’t stop these
Tears from falling
Welling up inside my eyes
Inside.